breaking the waves beyond clouds

journal6

2005-04-29T11:52:00.000-05:00

Naipaul’s book the Enigma of Arrival has such a hypnotizing effect that I was lulled to sleep several times in the week when I wrestled with it. Therefore, I made up my mind to reread it when I suffer from insomnia sometime. It is true that his English is elegant and smooth but his content has been diluted in too many pages while there is a lack of an interesting plot. It occurs to me that Charles Dickens wrote for a lucrative purpose and that is why he devoted a lot of space in his novels to some sentimentalisms and verbosities. Charles Dickens was capable of prolixity but he didn’t overact to such an extent as to offend the readers. On the contrary, Naipaul preferred to indulge in his writing to relieve his anxiety of the identity crisis while ignoring the fact that most of the readers read for fun not to share his piled-up emotions. The only justification I can give for his indifference to his readers is that he had earned much money and fame and now it was time that he mixed much of himself with a large volume of details to torture the readers’ nerves. Anyway, I do not sympathize with him about his disillusion of the British Dream. He, self-assuming, laughed at the world and ultimately the world laughed at him.

I notice that he is an Indian subject to the British colonial education and as a result, he cherished the British ideals and shared the values predominant in the British colonial system. I just feel it strange how his mind was poisoned to such a degree that he identified with the British whites. Didn’t he realize that he was different from the British whites and just played a marginalized role in the colonial system? After reading Isaacs’ Scratches on Our Minds: American Views of China and India, I learn that one of the reasons why the Indians are despised is that the Indians, though denounced as an inferior breed, are inclined to take it

journal5

2005-04-29T11:50:00.000-05:00

This semester the term I have heard most often is colonialism. In P.R.’ course, we talk about it. When I meet Roger, he will talk about his boredom of reading the books of post-colonialism. Even in my course exploring the Chinese identities, the professor talked about China’s competing with Great Britain and Japan in colonizing Hong Kong and Taiwan while I was sitting there dumbfounded still in the firm conviction that Hong Kong and Taiwan are inalienable parts of China and China’s sovereignty over these two areas is self-evident and universally-known truth. I have hated the term for long since I knew it, not because I hate the evils of the colonialism, but because much exposure to this term has given me a traumatic experience. Just think of a Chinese student, who has to listen to the teachers denounce the evils of western colonialism and read the anti-colonial rhetoric in the politics books all the way from the primary school to the college, and you will have to sympathize with him much: He feels hurt as his country was hurt; he feels revengeful after his indignation is incited; and he feels that the unfairness is the forever theme and what he needs to do is to elevate his country to the highest position in the world hierarchy because he is taught to believe that only the lion has the biggest share. Rather than know the cruelty of the world where many nations strive for supremacy by whatever means, I prefer to live in an illusion of mankind’s brotherhood and philanthropy. Then I begin to think about why people talk about colonialism. It is easy to understand that in china the discussion of colonialism is an important channel to vent the national anger about wrong done by the western powers before, a good chance of blaming the some of China’s trouble on the colonial perpetrators, and also a good way to boost nationalism to mobilize the Chinese people to strive for the rise of China. In the former colonial countries such UK and France, the government allows the topic of colonialism to decorate their democracy as long as the discussion will not interfere with the mainstream discourse and will not target at the overthrowing of the established system. In USA, the legitimacy of colonialism discussion has a specific significance. Not only does the American government show its merits of speech freedom, but also by the discussion it can weaken its imperialist image and glorify its image of a freedom fighter. It is known that the USA has succeeded in transforming itself from a colony to a superpower and now expands itself in the name of promoting democracy in the worldwide area. It occurs to me that the discussion of colonialism has no moral purport because it fails to provoke the sense of guilt of the brutal colonialists, who, on the contrary, figure out many justifications for their colonization and continue to bully the former colonies in new means, leaving the deprived third-world people moping and terrorism fomenting.

It dawns on me that colonialism is the phantom in the opera that haunt the people in their soul as I experienced two incidents today: In today’s class, Peilin told me that his engineering friend complained that if China had colonized the world, there would be no Taiwan strait crisis and he would not have to learn how to speak English. Shortly after the class was over, I received a call from one of my Chinese friends, who told me he was ready to return to China after aborting his study in USA. I felt surprised at his decision because he was eager to do his study here before and he has been here just for a year, far away from his PhD. “My boss is so pushy,” he said, “I can not put up with him any longer. The American ghost treats me like a slave, or rather, less than a slave. I must return to China… I hope one day China will colonize the USA and I will let the American students, who go to work for me, know what a boss is.” I can not help sighing. Colonialism, colonialism…

journal4

2005-03-24T21:00:00.000-06:00

Reading the European representation of the indigenous people in the new world, I can not help wondering whether these early colonists gave a biased description of the local natives deliberately or unwittingly. It seems to me that people are inclined to be unconsciously egoistic in tackling the relationship with the others and their glorification or denigration of the others largely relies on their self-interest. The early colonists rushed to the new world with a strong economic motivation: to slake their craving for resources. But as outsiders they had no authority or tenable justification to appropriate the resources of the new world. The pursuit of self-interest was so predominant that in order to replace the local people as the new owners the Europeans had to figure out various justifications for their dispossession of the natives, which is regarded as banditry in their own civilized world. Thus, the reconciliation of their economic need with their conscience necessitated their biased representation of the local natives. Condemning the indigenous people as non-human or the humblest in the hierarchy of mankind, the colonists did not treat the indigenous people as their equals, claimed that it was their holy mission to take over the land and enslave and exploit the local people, and might feel comfortable when decimating and despoiling the local people. I feel how vulnerable the social morals and laws are when people are controlled and driven by the desire for materials. The Germans massacred the Jews and the Japanese exterminated the Nanjing people in china. They all justified their crimes as the ways to make a better world and create an ideal society. But as a matter of fact they both attempted to justify their pursuit of self interest. It seems that we can do nothing to stop these outrages as the economic propulsion behind their behavior is too tremendous. I feel pessimistic about the progress of human civilization because it seems to me that the great conflicts of civilizations are inevitable as the time goes by and these conflicts may bring us war, death and depravity. It is rumored that there will be a great conflict between China and the USA in the near future. What I am thinking now is not whether it will happen but when it will happen.

journal3

2005-03-24T20:57:00.000-06:00

L’explication de texte, it seems, a useful, meticulous approach to dig out the subtle meaning and possible implication of the text. But for my part, whether it is applicable and to what extent it can facilitate our understanding the text hinge on many factors. Take the reader for example; an experienced reader has more adroitness in interpreting a text than a green hand while a reader who has a perfect proficiency of the language and the literary tradition in the text has more advantages than the one who is unfamiliar with the language he deals with. This method can even lead to futility when it comes to an intricate text which is translated into English from a quite different language, say, Chinese. I used to read an English version of the Scripture of Change (Yi Jing) translated by a British sinologist. Not only have the subtlety and elegance been lost, but also some passages have distorted the original meaning. I can see no point if an English-speaking reader, without any knowledge of Chinese, make an attempt to interpret this garbled text. The only consequence is that he or she, lost in the labyrinth of the opaque English sentences, finally gets an explication, which caters to his or her own fantasy but seems ridiculous to the Chinese scholars. Therefore, L’explication de text involves too many efforts and the development of the skill must be time-consuming. Anyway, I really admire those who can interpret a text in details and weave their interpretation into a much larger text, which provides materials for others’ interpretation. The greatest thinker, Confucius, would never expect that the explication of his texts has proliferated into such a voluminous system that the posterity pays less attention to his original texts.

Currently I am reading a book, the Chinese in America, written by a Chinese Taiwanese Iris Chang. In this book she attempted to reconstruct a heterodoxy history of the Chinese experience in USA by blending the narratives of various generations of immigrants. There are many aspects in this book, which impress me a lot. As a sober historian, Iris Chang holds it in conviction that the Chinese people, wherever they come from, are regarded as a whole by any alien culture and spurns the untenable assertion that the Taiwanese are not Chinese from the historical perspective. It is hard for a Chinese with a Taiwan origin to have this insight when many Taiwanese in USA have been immersed in narrow-minded pride of their islander identity and a deep-rooted prejudice against the mainland of China. Iris Chang also exposes to us a shocking fact that the Chinese in USA have been excluded and persecuted as the yellow peril though they contributed disproportionately much to the America’s social, political and economic development as a marginal ethnic group. At last she concluded convincingly that wherever there is a crisis in American society the Chinese always serve as the scapegoat the Anglo-Saxon Americans vent their anger on. The book stimulates my further thinking of why the Chinese in USA are hard to be assimilated into the American mainstream society. There may be 2 possible reasons: 1. The Chinese people have a 5000-year streamline evolution of civilization, which has survived and developed despite many external invasions. Imaginably so strong is the Chinese identity consciousness and the national pride of Chinese traditions and glory that the Chinese in USA continue to enhance their community sense and solidarity in an alien environment especially when the alien culture is in sharp contrast with the Chinese one. For example, The Chinese culture does emphasize the yellow skin and black eyes as an inalienable Chinese characteristic. Psychologically, it is really hard to make a Chinese American steeped in Chinese cultures to identify George Washington as the founding father of this nation since he bore no physical resemblance to a Chinese. 2. The white mainstream society stubbornly perceives the Chinese in USA as outsiders bearing the exotic cultures. Various Chinese stereotypes have been created and constantly reinforced to make Chinese appear uncanny and alien. The Chinese Americans are regarded as “the other” and dispensable in American society

帅哥

2005-02-12T22:50:00.000-06:00

california hotel--my favorite song

2005-02-10T19:22:00.000-06:00

On a dark desert highway
Cool wind in my hair
One smell of colitas
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy, and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be hell
Then she lit up a candle
And she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely place (background)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
You can find it here

Her mind is definitely twisted
Shes's got the Mercedis-Benz
She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
That she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard
Sweet summer sweat
Some dance to remember
Some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain
Please bring me my wine
He said
We haven't had that spirit here since 1969
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely Place
Such a lovely Place (background)
Such a lovely face
They're livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise
What a nice surprise (background)
Bring your alibies

Mirrors on the ceiling
They bring champagne on ice
And she said
We are all just prisoners here
Of our own device
And in the master's chambers
They gather for the feast
They stab it with there steely knives
But they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember
I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
Relax said the nightman
We are programed to recieve
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave

matrix

2005-02-09T13:36:00.000-06:00

we are controlled and enslaved by the symbolic order we happen to live in
our perception and sensation are programmed by an unidentfied predominant power

I am wondering where the symbols come from. Are they created by generations of human beings or from a certain mysterious part in the cosmos?
we think in symbols? Did our oldest ancestor think in symbols?

wavering between two extremes

2005-02-09T13:16:00.000-06:00

I always oscillate between the two extremes of passion and blase, the disparity of which enervates me and plagues my mind.

How can I contrive to be proactive and optimistic and sanguine?
Why is happiness always a meteor while pain is always a star?
to seize the time is a hedonist point of view for us to get through thevicissitudes of daily life
in a carefree mood.
With nothing to be concerned about will be the best way to get happiness.
i can not help asking the question: Is the happpiness and unhappiness an man-made categorization of how we feel? It seems that the binary opposition is unnecessary if our mind is clear of the desire . How can we extirpate desire, without which we have no propulsion to live and think?

戏剧性的事情

2005-02-06T15:21:00.000-06:00

最近我在看关于什么是中国人的书，看得我我要问自己，什么是中国人了？好像在中国大家几乎不讨论中国人的定义。来到美国后，才关心自己的身份问题。说老实话，我们上课讨论了半天，最后只让我更加糊涂，结论是，chinese is a signifier which is continuously shifting in relation with some other signifiers. 我倒觉得中国人这个概念是在我们潜意识中，无法用言语表达，几千年的文化积累让我们对chineseness有了一种直觉，transcendental intuition。超验的直觉。

最近在看老外写的外语日本文化的菊与刀，还有本关于香港的书
感觉美国研究中国的书好老阿

真担心我的论文最后怎么写啊

journal1

2005-02-03T23:14:00.000-06:00

I was born on November, 20, sharing the same birthday with Senator Robert F Kennedy, a rebellious politician who died from assassination. Although I am not sure if I will follow in his step and die in the hands of my enemy, yet one point is clear that I was born to be intractable and iconoclastic. I was brought into this world as the second child of my family by my mother to fulfill her promise to my father that she would give birth to a daughter and a son. That year the notorious Cultural Revolution ended and it is said that my birth brought good luck to my family. I was given a nice Chinese name, Zhaoyu, which means the sun shining over the universe. However, that doe not mean my parents expected much from me. How could they? They are both fortunes’ ill-favored children. My mother had to work in a textile factory at the age of 9 when her mother died of melancholia while my father, who could never remember what his father had looked like, struggled his way from the countryside to the army and finally to the local government. As disqualified parents, they never took the initiative to guide my sister and me towards a brilliant future. I often feel as if I have grown up like a wild grass, competent to survive any challenge but never sure why I am here in the world. There are some dramatic ironies in my life. My father used to fight in Vietnam on the side of North Vietnam against the invasion of the American imperialist army. He was quite proud of that experience and often recited some extracts of Chairman Mao’s greatest works in Vietnamese. My education is mostly anti-American but my father never expected that I would study in USA, the evil imperialist country characteristic of capitalist degradation and imperialist hegemony. He died in 1998, still in the conviction that the red flags of communism would wave in the whole world one day. What a pity it is that he was brainwashed and how lucky it is that he had remained in the realm of fantastic illusions! Another case worth mentioning that I used to be thought unfavorably of by my teachers as a potential loser and misfit of Chinese society but it has turned out that I have outstripped any of my former peers. I was suspected by some of my primary school teachers of being an imbecile because I was slow in warming up for their instructions. In revenge for their misjudgment I paid a visit to these teachers when I was admitted to Peking University (PKU) with my National College Entrance Score ranking No.1 in my hometown. On the other hand, I had my teachers’ low opinion partly because I was said to be too overweening to show regard for teachers: I treated what my teachers taught with phenomenal skepticism and annoyed them with my unorthodoxy opinions. For example, the Chinese history book always attributes China’s backwardness to the corruption of the feudal government and the invasion of the western powers. But I challenged it by saying that the problem lay in the fact that the Chinese gradually became conservative, inward-thinking and narcissistic about its past glory. But the teachers just urged me to memorize the conclusions to cope with the tests without the least concern about my inquiries. My critical mind does not chime with the Chinese educational system, which seems to lay an emphasis on the cultivation of subjects and technical workers to push China’s blindfolded modernization.

Fortunately I benefited substantially from the study in PKU, where I had access to the copious library resources, first-rate instructions and thoughts from elite students. The designed courses were liberal and open for the purpose of initiating students into the world of western culture and cultivating their comprehensive academic abilities. It is worth mentioning that PKU imbued students with its unique spiritual riches of independence, liberty and democracy. Here I got into touch with the works of Freud, Virginia Woolf and George Orwell, who have remained to be my favorite writers and thinkers. I also took delight in learning foreign languages, which I regard as a weapon in the struggle of life and a window to help me escape from benightedness. It gradually dawned on me that I would be an independent writer and a teacher to illuminate others. This career goal is in sharp contrast with my childhood dream: to be a biologist. How a person’s fate is shaped and reshaped by the capricious life!

When it comes to my hobbies, I will try to make a long story short. Swimming: I think swimming is the best way to free myself. By swimming we can get closer to nature and have the sense of Liberty and Relaxation. I grew up on the Yangtze River. Swimming accompanied me in the childhood. Thank goodness, I wasn't drowned! Traveling: One of my ambitions is to travel as far as I can .I have been to a lot of places in China and once to Republic of Korea and Britain. Of all the places I visited, I have a preference for Suzhou, the heaven on earth. Suzhou City has a gorgeous, elegant urban appearance and well-designed parks which present a picturesque panorama. Cuisine: I am a gourmet and tasting as much delicious food as possible is my another ambition. I can memorize a lot of dish names. My favorite food is fish cooked in spicy soup. I was born in Sichuan, a province famous for spicy delicacies. Long live the spicy food! Astrology: I was born in the month of Scorpio and I like exploring mysteries. I have been doing research upon fortune-telling for a long time. Movies and Musicals: I think I am endowed with a talent for directing. Though it is not realistic for me to be a director, yet I still enjoy watching and studying cinemas.

In the syllabus I will develop this semester, I would like to explore into the topic of the Chinese images in the western mind. As I notice that the representation of the Chinese in the western literature and cinema is somehow distorted in a way which seems to me ridiculous. I even doubt that if the western artists or writers deliberately create some Chinese stereotypes to cater to the fantasy of the western people, who are ignorant of Chinese cultures and indulge in the consumption of the fabricated Chinese images, taking it for granted that the Chinese serves as the other of the western people and should be characterized as a signifier in reflection of the oppositeness of the western people. I have read some books and watch some movies in this field, such as the Joy Luck Club, the Travel of Marc Polo, the Year of Dragon, and Madame Butterfly. So I am very interested in going further into the methodical exploration of how Chinese images are created to compensate for the lack of the western knowledge of China and its people, and how these images have an repercussion upon the cross-cultural communication of the west and China.

journal2

2005-02-03T23:12:00.000-06:00

Reading the excerpts of the western epics, I am impressed with the way the western people justified and glorified their colonization. Since the establishment of a colony was linked with a destiny arranged by gods’ will, these nation founders, assuming themselves to be the superior and the chosen, could seize the land and other belongings from the indigenous people and stigmatized the dispossessed as barbarian and abase with an arrogant contempt. Since there is such a western tradition of plundering under a certain self-righteous, embellished pretext, it is no wonder that European colonizers nearly deracinated the Indian civilization in American Continent and did not feel the least compunction. Then my curiosity is aroused. How about China, which used to be a vast empire holding supremacy in Asia? In China, there is no epic to glorify the founding of Chinese nation, but legend has it that the Chinese people are descendents of the Chinese dragon, the tribe totem. The earliest Chinese civilization appeared in the Central China, the Yellow River area, which is sanctified as the cradle of the Chinese empire. Later on, the Middle Plain people conquered and colonized other territories and radiated its influence. Interestingly enough, the Chinese people, who belonged to the central civilization, had such a high opinion of themselves that they denigrated the inhabitants in the peripheral areas as savages. These self-assuming people constitute the predominant ethnic group: Han people, who kept pushing constantly their frontier and clearing away the barrier by whatever means. The people, who resisted the influence of Han Civilization, were represented as dirty, uncivilized and cannibalistic in the folk tales of the Han people and this prejudice made it possible that the minority ethnic group people were either massacred or driven into the lonely mountainous area. It is ironical that most of the Chinese people are unanimous that the Chinese people are born to be peace-loving. In Chinese history there are two dynasties whose rulers are not from Han People and they are regarded as intruders and brigands though many of them have been assimilated into the Central tradition. So we can see the Chinese people, consisting mostly of Han Ethnic Group people, are self-centered and overweening though they are not invincible. Since China used to be a superpower in Asia, whose civilization had a significant influence upon such countries as Japan, Korea and Vietnam. It is obvious that China showed a patronizing attitude towards these inferior. China has an interesting version of how the Japanese nation came into being. It is said that the First Emperor of Qin Dynasty, superstitious enough, sent some chaste boys and girls to Japan to fetch some exotic medicine that could bring him immortality. However, they failed to fulfill the mission and had to stay there for fear that the atrocious emperor would execute them for their futile attempt, thus Japan being colonized. Though it is impossible for us to prove the authenticity of the story, yet one thing is clear that the Chinese think that the Japanese are the descendants of the mainland Chinese and according to Confucianism the Japanese should comply with the orders of paternal nation. China used to invade Japan several times but for some reason failed. In the neighborhood of such a large country as China, Japan always feels threatened and gradually becomes paranoid. Japan would send pirates to molest China’s coastal area and seize every opportunity of weakening China to seek a relief of anxiety. In the Sino-Japanese war between 1937 and 1945, China was humiliated and traumatized by Japan’ brutal invasion and imposed colonization. Now China is also a paranoid patient which, with smoldering hatred, regards any anti-Japanese action as boosting national pride and confidence. It is also worth mentioning that Korea is a more paranoid country. When I was in Korea, I was told that the Koreans used to communicate with Chinese characters but anyhow an Ancient Korean official, now regarded as a national hero, invented a Korean language system in case that Korea should be too Chinese. I asked the young Korean people whether it was necessary for this forefather to do that. They told me that they still had to learn Chinese characters: for one thing, nearly all the ancient books were written in Chinese and no Chinese literary will make any academic research hard to carry out, for another; a Chinese proficiency will ensure their better opportunities of employment in the Sino-Korean trade. Finally, in order to be a well-educated person, they had to read classic literature, which they failed to appreciate fully without Chinese literacy.

当你爱上一个直人

2005-02-01T23:06:00.000-06:00

He is nothing but a fine man whom I should give everything to ask in hand of marriage, but too early, I pursued this happiness in an abortive attempt, with later that regretfulness would be resolved.

Marriage, it is a term marked with both familiarity and forbiddance in my dictionary, which is too glamorous to imagine, but too vulnerable to practise, even sadly when its complexity involved in another unstable condition, Love.

I failed to exam the dangerous of both before any empirical actions took place, so my failure was destined from the very wrong beginning of diverting, and I watched this fault slashed a pair of joint hearts into pieces scars all way through.

My guilt of collapsing other’s loving dreams deserves me any kinds of executions, and my life is wishfully to be terminated without appealing to keep it continued.

Too sad, but tears rejected to fill the eyes. To curse men with love spells, such evilness was tenderly applied in to my terribly mean way of completing my satisfaction of feeling alive, no wonder why my intention is to destroy but not save.

Too crowded, my heart is to be a cemetery, with emotions, folded, buried and squashed into graves.

思想总结

2005-02-01T22:03:00.000-06:00

想总结一下最近看书的心得，
1.我对中国文化的兴趣日益浓厚，非常想用西方的文化理论研究中国文化这一丰富的资源。感觉长期以来，中国人都很少致力于自己文化的批判和继承，而是盲目的照搬外来的理论模式。我想研究中国文化中的边缘文化，以及这些边缘文化是如何影响我们中华文化的主流的。比如，女性（家庭妇女，妓女，同性恋（书生，书童），贼寇，鬼怪。。。我想这应该很有意思
理论方面，我还要继续研究lacan和freud，感觉大家读ifreud的误读太多
2,关于同性恋文化，我最近的研究体会是
1。这是一种neurosis，精神病并不是件坏事，凡是和社会主流文化价值冲突，自身不能很好适应的，都可能有精神病，严重程度不一样而以，不过 freud说的同性恋都是偏执狂一说，我是越来越相信了，同性恋一直在社会上处于文化的边缘，长期是被压迫和被唾弃的，所以每个不敢吐露自己同性恋身份的人都生怕自己被社会识别，被迫害，长此以往，潜意识里惧怕别人害自己，从而形成偏执狂，过分敏感，过分在乎别人的看法，过分隐瞒自己的真实想法

2。同性恋是是异性恋的一种变体，同性恋couple就是一种虚拟的异性恋couple。对同性和异性的欲望是同时存在的，前者升华成友谊，后者升华为爱情
straight必须压抑自己的同性恋欲望，才能成为正常人
gay和lesbian存在一种主体和客体混乱的情况，根本上来说还是异性恋关系

比如，当0的gay把自己认同为女性，颠倒了主体，当1的gay把男性伴侣认同为女性，颠倒了客体

当0的gay是不可治愈的，因为主体的形成在童年时期已经完成，改变主体就扼杀一个人

当1的gay是可以治愈的，特别是在和女性发生性关系后，而且我参考了很多文献，发现当1的gay
都是那种性欲旺盛，而在童年时期道德教育过于严格，导致对女性存在恐惧的
他们非常迷恋effeminate的男性，通过和他们作爱以证明自己的完美男性

既然同性恋是一种病症，而且是偏执狂，那么同性恋伴侣的关系不可能太长
除非，1，道德感很强，好像不大可能，gay本身就是反道德，很难用异性恋的婚姻法则进行约束
2。双方具备很好的艺术和哲学修养，尤其在创作方面，这样可以很好的升华他们的libido
3。生活在一个同性恋的网络里，有很好的同性恋朋友的支持和监督

写这么多了，我下一步继续研究关于同性恋文化与主流文化的互补性

今天给老师提交了一个同性恋文化报告，写了30页，不过心里很高兴
我把我认识的gay都好好的分析了一番，老师很满意，看来通过调搽分析别人可以
很好的升华我的欲望

la voix de paradis

2005-01-28T15:52:00.000-06:00

Vois sur ton chemin

Paroles et Musique: Bruno Coulais, Christophe Barratier 2004

Vois sur ton chemin
Gamins oubliés égarés
Donne leur la main
Pour les mener
Vers d'autres lendemains

Sens au coeur de la nuit
L'onde d'espoir
Ardeur de la vie
Sentier de gloire

Bonheurs enfantins
Trop vite oubliés effacés
Une lumière dorée brille sans fin
Tout au bout du chemin

Sens au coeur de la nuit
L'onde d'espoir
Ardeur de la vie
Sentier de la gloire

孤独之一

2005-01-30T02:15:00.000-06:00

怎么来应付孤独呢？我想起了william Faulkner 小说 a rose for Miss Emily.
里面的Miss Emily 为了挽留自己的恋人，居然用砒霜将他毒死，然后每晚和他的尸体相依而睡，直到自己老死。这个故事很gothic虽然我对Necrophilia没有研究，但是我很确定FETISHISM是摆脱孤独的方法，人类之依恋上帝，情人相互依偎，
小孩之依靠父母，最后都归结为恋物。将我们的情感集中在某一物体至少，以发泄我们的libido。我怎么办呢？我强烈的oedipus complex决定我不可能相信上帝，恋人还没有找到，父母远在天边。我犹如断线的风筝。我想起了尼采，总算理解他为什么疯狂了，哲学家都有 necrophia ，解剖这个世界的尸体，获得一种快繁，忘记自己的孤独。鲁迅也始终是孤独的，写作升华了他的欲望。
by dissection, we get pleasure.

关于等候

2005-01-29T16:08:00.000-06:00

喜欢听熊天平的雪候鸟，喜欢那种宿命的思想，一定要南飞，这是本能

J'aime beaucoup la chanson appelee Les Oisseaux Attendants la Neige, et j' adore la pensee de fatalite.De voler au sud, c'est l' instinct migratoire.

我在等候上帝派给我的那个人，不知道什么时候他回来，希望不是永远

j'attends la personne que le Dieu me donne, mais je ne suis pas sur quand il arriverai , peut-etre
eternellement, je ne le souhaite pas

twilight and mist

2005-01-28T21:20:00.000-06:00

Twilight and Mist
Music by James Horner Lyrrics by Brock Walsh

As evening fell, a maiden stood
At the edge of a wood.
In her hands lay the reins
Of a stallion.
And ne'er I'd seen a girl as fair,
Heard a gentler voice anywhere.
Whispered, "Alas..."
She belonged, belonged to another--
Another forever.
Yes, she belonged to
the twilight and mist.

心情日记

2005-01-28T21:15:00.000-06:00

从前喜欢漂泊，喜欢看JOHN masefield 的sea fever
I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

现在觉得漂泊是那些痛苦的人干的事情，因为他们需要散心。幸福的人总是两个人一起
放风筝的。当我的wanderlust达到极点的时候，我就会想到死亡，这时候就会想起Thomas Gray
的Elegy.

The curfew tolls the knell of parting day,

The lowing herd wind slowly o'er the lea,

The ploughman homeward plods his weary way,

And leaves the world to darkness and to me.



Now fades the glimmering landscape on the sight,

And all the air a solemn stillness holds,

Save where the beetle wheels his droning flight,

And drowsy tinklings lull the distant folds;



Save that from yonder ivy-mantled tower

The moping owl does to the moon complain

Of such as, wandering near her secret bower,

Molest her ancient solitary reign.



Beneath those rugged elms, that yew-tree's shade,

Where heaves the turf in many a mould'ring heap,

Each in his narrow cell for ever laid,

The rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep.



The breezy call of incense-breathing morn,

The swallow twittering from the straw-built shed,

The cock's shrill clarion, or the echoing horn,

No more shall rouse them from their lowly bed.



For them no more the blazing hearth shall burn,

Or busy housewife ply her evening-care;

No children run to lisp their sire's return,

Or climb his knees the envied kiss to share.



Oft did the harvest to their sickle yield,

Their furrow oft the stubborn glebe has broke:

How jocund did they drive their team afield!

How bowed the woods beneath their sturdy stroke!



Let not Ambition mock their useful toil,

Their homely joys and destiny obscure;

Nor Grandeur hear with a disdainful smile

The short and simple annals of the poor.



The boast of heraldry, the pomp of pow'r,

And all that beauty, all that wealth e'er gave,

Awaits alike th' inevitable hour.

The paths of glory lead but to the grave.



Nor you, ye proud, impute to these the fault,

If Memory o'er their tomb no trophies raise,

Where through the long-drawn aisle, and fretted vault,

The pealing anthem swells the note of praise.



Can storied urn, or animated bust,

Back to its mansion call the fleeting breath?

Can Honour's voice provoke the silent dust,

Or Flattery soothe the dull cold ear of Death?



Perhaps in this neglected spot is laid

Some heart once pregnant with celestial fire;

Hands, that the rod of empire might have swayed,

Or waked to ecstasy the living lyre;



But Knowledge to their eyes her ample page,

Rich with the spoils of Time, did ne'er unroll;

Chill Penury repressed their noble rage,

And froze the genial current of the soul.



Full many a gem of purest ray serene

The dark unfathomed caves of ocean bear;

Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,

And waste its sweetness on the desert air.



Some village-Hampden that with dauntless breast

The little tyrant of his fields withstood,

Some mute inglorious Milton here may rest,

Some Cromwell, guiltless of his country's blood.



Th' applause of list'ning senates to command,

The threats of pain and ruin to despise,

To scatter plenty o'er a smiling land,

And read their history in a nation's eyes,



Their lot forbad: nor circumscribed alone

Their growing virtues, but their crimes confined;

Forbad to wade through slaughter to a throne,

And shut the Gates of Mercy on mankind,



The struggling pangs of conscious truth to hide,

To quench the blushes of ingenuous shame,

Or heap the shrine of Luxury and Pride

With incense kindled at the Muse's flame.



Far from the madding crowd's ignoble strife

Their sober wishes never learned to stray;

Along the cool sequestered vale of life

They kept the noiseless tenor of their way.



Yet ev'n these bones from insult to protect

Some frail memorial still erected nigh,

With uncouth rhymes and shapeless sculpture decked,

Implores the passing tribute of a sigh.



Their name, their years, spelt by th' unlettered Muse,

The place of fame and elegy supply:

And many a holy text around she strews,

That teach the rustic moralist to die.



For who, to dumb Forgetfulness a prey,

This pleasing anxious being e'er resigned,

Left the warm precincts of the cheerful day,

Nor cast one longing ling'ring look behind?



On some fond breast the parting soul relies,

Some pious drops the closing eye requires;

Ev'n from the tomb the voice of Nature cries,

Ev'n in our ashes live their wonted fires.



For thee, who, mindful of th' unhonoured dead,

Dost in these lines their artless tale relate;

If chance, by lonely Contemplation led,

Some kindred spirit shall enquire thy fate,—



Haply some hoary-headed swain may say

"Oft have we seen him at the peep of dawn

Brushing with hasty steps the dews away

To meet the sun upon the upland lawn;



"There at the foot of yonder nodding beech,

That wreathes its old fantastic roots so high,

His listless length at noon-tide would he stretch,

And pore upon the brook that babbles by.



"Hard by yon wood, now smiling as in scorn,

Mutt'ring his wayward fancies would he rove;

Now drooping, woeful-wan, like one forlorn,

Or crazed with care, or crossed in hopeless love.



"One morn I missed him from the customed hill,

Along the heath, and near his fav'rite tree;

Another came; nor yet beside the rill,

Nor up the lawn, nor at the wood was he:



"The next, with dirges due in sad array

Slow through the church-way path we saw him borne,—

Approach and read, for thou can'st read, the lay

Graved on the stone beneath yon aged thorn."



              THE EPITAPH



Here rests his head upon the lap of earth

A Youth, to Fortune and to Fame unknown:

Fair Science frowned not on his humble birth,

And Melancholy marked him for her own.



Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere,

Heaven did a recompense as largely send:

He gave to Misery (all he had) a tear,

He gained from Heaven ('twas all he wished) a friend.



No farther seek his merits to disclose,

Or draw his frailties from their dread abode,

(There they alike in trembling hope repose,)

The bosom of his Father and his God.

喜欢诗歌中众生平等的思想，死亡对于每个人是公平的，那些不可一世的人有什么
资格炫耀自己呢，他们不过是运气好点而已，得到自然更多的恩赐。对于我这种死亡本能
太多的人，少看为妙

喜欢Edgar Allan Poe的Anna Belle Lee

很美的诗歌，描写了一种失落，很唯美

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

cheese/fromage

2005-01-28T13:05:00.000-06:00

Est-ce que mon jean est assez clean
Pour espérer
Ma photo dans les magazines
Faut voir

Est-ce que ma jupe est assez short
Pour espérer
Que le show-biz m'ouvrira ses portes
Faut voir

Faut voir des poules toutes leurs dents
Pour réussir
Comme ça le petit oiseau va s'en sortir

Faut voir, c'est fou ce qu'on obtient
Contre un sourire
Ce qu'on vous aime quand on n'a rien à dire

Cheese, je veux bien {x2}

Mais si mon jean devient sale
Puis-je espérer
Qu'on parle de moi dans le journal
Faut voir

Si je tombe et que je casse les dents
Adieu sourire
Comment le petit oiseau va s'en sortir

Cheese, j'en sais rien {x2}

Est-ce que le cadre devient le centre
De notre monde
Plutôt que ce qu'on a dans le ventre
Faut voir

De ce journal aux pages légères
D'autres vont faire
Un lit de fortune en plein cour
De l'hiver

Cheese, je sais bien {x2}

Que l'image est plus forte
Et prend toute la page
Le plumage rapporte
Plus que notre courage
Qu'on me ferme les portes
Je préfère tenir ce langage
Que de tenir pour me clouer le bec
Un fromage

Tant pis
Cheese / Cheese

Le p'tit oiseau s'envole
L'étiquette se décolle
Et quand le chat te mangera
Souris.

Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes Song

2005-01-28T13:13:00.000-06:00

Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes Song Lyrics

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

[Chorus:]
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

[Chorus]

Discover l.i.m.p. say it [x4]
No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

[Chorus]

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

Natasia st Pier

2005-01-28T03:16:00.000-06:00

Nolwenn Leroy

2005-01-28T03:19:00.000-06:00

tomber le masque

2005-01-28T02:06:00.000-06:00

Si on parlait un peu de toi ?
Depuis que ma terre est ronde
C'est toi qui fait tourner le monde
Et qui parle aux étoiles
Quand on m'fait du mal
Qu'est-ce que tu dis aux astres morts ?
Je sais, tu brilles encore
Devant mes yeux, tu fais tous ces efforts
Mais ça fait longtemps que j'ai compris
Tu reviens de la nuit
Et ça fait drôle
Si pour une fois
On inversait les rôles
Si pour une fois
On se parlait de toi ?

Fais tomber le masque
devant moi
Laisse tomber le clown
pour une fois
Fais fondre la glace
devant moi
Laisse pleurer le clown
de temps en temps

Je t'aimerai comme avant
Pas besoin de faire semblant
Je t'aimerai comme au temps
où tu m'inventais des histoires
avec du rose, du bleu
pour qu'on les aime tous les deux

Si tu m'disais c'que tu dis jamais ?
C'est vrai, la terre est ronde
mais le ciel
n'est pas pour tout le monde
et t'as passé l'âge
d'avoir du courage
Pour courir après des mirages
Moi j'ai qu'un petit cœur
que tu prends dans tes bras
la nuit quand il a peur
mais qui s'bat plus fort quand tu es là
Les sourires et les lunes
que tu me décroches
je les ai là: Au fond de mes poches
Je t'ai gardé des tas d'histoires
faciles à croire
avec du rose
avec du bleu
et toutes ces choses
qui n'appartiennent qu'à nous deux

Alors fais tomber le masque
devant moi
Laisse tomber le clown
pour une fois
Laisse fondre la glace
devant moi
Tu peux laisser pleurer le clown
De temps en temps

j'espere que je puis parler beaucoup de langues etrangeres

2005-01-28T01:28:00.000-06:00

je souhaite que je puis parler beaucoup de langues etrangeres comme mon professor.
Bien que it soit difficile, je voudrais essayer d'apprendre l' allemande, l'espagnol ,le japonais
et l'italien