帅哥

california hotel--my favorite song

On a dark desert highway
Cool wind in my hair
One smell of colitas
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy, and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be hell
Then she lit up a candle
And she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely place (background)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
You can find it here

Her mind is definitely twisted
Shes's got the Mercedis-Benz
She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
That she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard
Sweet summer sweat
Some dance to remember
Some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain
Please bring me my wine
He said
We haven't had that spirit here since 1969
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely Place
Such a lovely Place (background)
Such a lovely face
They're livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise
What a nice surprise (background)
Bring your alibies

Mirrors on the ceiling
They bring champagne on ice
And she said
We are all just prisoners here
Of our own device
And in the master's chambers
They gather for the feast
They stab it with there steely knives
But they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember
I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
Relax said the nightman
We are programed to recieve
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave

matrix

we are controlled and enslaved by the symbolic order we happen to live in
our perception and sensation are programmed by an unidentfied predominant power

I am wondering where the symbols come from. Are they created by generations of human beings or from a certain mysterious part in the cosmos?
we think in symbols? Did our oldest ancestor think in symbols?

wavering between two extremes

I always oscillate between the two extremes of passion and blase, the disparity of which enervates me and plagues my mind.

How can I contrive to be proactive and optimistic and sanguine?
Why is happiness always a meteor while pain is always a star?
to seize the time is a hedonist point of view for us to get through thevicissitudes of daily life
in a carefree mood.
With nothing to be concerned about will be the best way to get happiness.
i can not help asking the question: Is the happpiness and unhappiness an man-made categorization of how we feel? It seems that the binary opposition is unnecessary if our mind is clear of the desire . How can we extirpate desire, without which we have no propulsion to live and think?

戏剧性的事情

最近我在看关于什么是中国人的书，看得我我要问自己，什么是中国人了？好像在中国大家几乎不讨论中国人的定义。来到美国后，才关心自己的身份问题。说老实 话，我们上课讨论了半天，最后只让我更加糊涂，结论是，chinese is a signifier which is continuously shifting in relation with some other signifiers. 我倒觉得中国人这个概念是在我们潜意识中，无法用言语表达，几千年的文化积累让我们对chineseness有了一种直觉，transcendental intuition。超验的直觉。

最近在看老外写的外语日本文化的菊与刀，还有本关于香港的书
感觉美国研究中国的书好老阿

真担心我的论文最后怎么写啊

journal1

I was born on November, 20, sharing the same birthday with Senator Robert F Kennedy, a rebellious politician who died from assassination. Although I am not sure if I will follow in his step and die in the hands of my enemy, yet one point is clear that I was born to be intractable and iconoclastic. I was brought into this world as the second child of my family by my mother to fulfill her promise to my father that she would give birth to a daughter and a son. That year the notorious Cultural Revolution ended and it is said that my birth brought good luck to my family. I was given a nice Chinese name, Zhaoyu, which means the sun shining over the universe. However, that doe not mean my parents expected much from me. How could they? They are both fortunes’ ill-favored children. My mother had to work in a textile factory at the age of 9 when her mother died of melancholia while my father, who could never remember what his father had looked like, struggled his way from the countryside to the army and finally to the local government. As disqualified parents, they never took the initiative to guide my sister and me towards a brilliant future. I often feel as if I have grown up like a wild grass, competent to survive any challenge but never sure why I am here in the world. There are some dramatic ironies in my life. My father used to fight in Vietnam on the side of North Vietnam against the invasion of the American imperialist army. He was quite proud of that experience and often recited some extracts of Chairman Mao’s greatest works in Vietnamese. My education is mostly anti-American but my father never expected that I would study in USA, the evil imperialist country characteristic of capitalist degradation and imperialist hegemony. He died in 1998, still in the conviction that the red flags of communism would wave in the whole world one day. What a pity it is that he was brainwashed and how lucky it is that he had remained in the realm of fantastic illusions! Another case worth mentioning that I used to be thought unfavorably of by my teachers as a potential loser and misfit of Chinese society but it has turned out that I have outstripped any of my former peers. I was suspected by some of my primary school teachers of being an imbecile because I was slow in warming up for their instructions. In revenge for their misjudgment I paid a visit to these teachers when I was admitted to Peking University (PKU) with my National College Entrance Score ranking No.1 in my hometown. On the other hand, I had my teachers’ low opinion partly because I was said to be too overweening to show regard for teachers: I treated what my teachers taught with phenomenal skepticism and annoyed them with my unorthodoxy opinions. For example, the Chinese history book always attributes China’s backwardness to the corruption of the feudal government and the invasion of the western powers. But I challenged it by saying that the problem lay in the fact that the Chinese gradually became conservative, inward-thinking and narcissistic about its past glory. But the teachers just urged me to memorize the conclusions to cope with the tests without the least concern about my inquiries. My critical mind does not chime with the Chinese educational system, which seems to lay an emphasis on the cultivation of subjects and technical workers to push China’s blindfolded modernization.

Fortunately I benefited substantially from the study in PKU, where I had access to the copious library resources, first-rate instructions and thoughts from elite students. The designed courses were liberal and open for the purpose of initiating students into the world of western culture and cultivating their comprehensive academic abilities. It is worth mentioning that PKU imbued students with its unique spiritual riches of independence, liberty and democracy. Here I got into touch with the works of Freud, Virginia Woolf and George Orwell, who have remained to be my favorite writers and thinkers. I also took delight in learning foreign languages, which I regard as a weapon in the struggle of life and a window to help me escape from benightedness. It gradually dawned on me that I would be an independent writer and a teacher to illuminate others. This career goal is in sharp contrast with my childhood dream: to be a biologist. How a person’s fate is shaped and reshaped by the capricious life!

When it comes to my hobbies, I will try to make a long story short. Swimming: I think swimming is the best way to free myself. By swimming we can get closer to nature and have the sense of Liberty and Relaxation. I grew up on the Yangtze River. Swimming accompanied me in the childhood. Thank goodness, I wasn't drowned! Traveling: One of my ambitions is to travel as far as I can .I have been to a lot of places in China and once to Republic of Korea and Britain. Of all the places I visited, I have a preference for Suzhou, the heaven on earth. Suzhou City has a gorgeous, elegant urban appearance and well-designed parks which present a picturesque panorama. Cuisine: I am a gourmet and tasting as much delicious food as possible is my another ambition. I can memorize a lot of dish names. My favorite food is fish cooked in spicy soup. I was born in Sichuan, a province famous for spicy delicacies. Long live the spicy food! Astrology: I was born in the month of Scorpio and I like exploring mysteries. I have been doing research upon fortune-telling for a long time. Movies and Musicals: I think I am endowed with a talent for directing. Though it is not realistic for me to be a director, yet I still enjoy watching and studying cinemas.

In the syllabus I will develop this semester, I would like to explore into the topic of the Chinese images in the western mind. As I notice that the representation of the Chinese in the western literature and cinema is somehow distorted in a way which seems to me ridiculous. I even doubt that if the western artists or writers deliberately create some Chinese stereotypes to cater to the fantasy of the western people, who are ignorant of Chinese cultures and indulge in the consumption of the fabricated Chinese images, taking it for granted that the Chinese serves as the other of the western people and should be characterized as a signifier in reflection of the oppositeness of the western people. I have read some books and watch some movies in this field, such as the Joy Luck Club, the Travel of Marc Polo, the Year of Dragon, and Madame Butterfly. So I am very interested in going further into the methodical exploration of how Chinese images are created to compensate for the lack of the western knowledge of China and its people, and how these images have an repercussion upon the cross-cultural communication of the west and China.

journal2

Reading the excerpts of the western epics, I am impressed with the way the western people justified and glorified their colonization. Since the establishment of a colony was linked with a destiny arranged by gods’ will, these nation founders, assuming themselves to be the superior and the chosen, could seize the land and other belongings from the indigenous people and stigmatized the dispossessed as barbarian and abase with an arrogant contempt. Since there is such a western tradition of plundering under a certain self-righteous, embellished pretext, it is no wonder that European colonizers nearly deracinated the Indian civilization in American Continent and did not feel the least compunction. Then my curiosity is aroused. How about China, which used to be a vast empire holding supremacy in Asia? In China, there is no epic to glorify the founding of Chinese nation, but legend has it that the Chinese people are descendents of the Chinese dragon, the tribe totem. The earliest Chinese civilization appeared in the Central China, the Yellow River area, which is sanctified as the cradle of the Chinese empire. Later on, the Middle Plain people conquered and colonized other territories and radiated its influence. Interestingly enough, the Chinese people, who belonged to the central civilization, had such a high opinion of themselves that they denigrated the inhabitants in the peripheral areas as savages. These self-assuming people constitute the predominant ethnic group: Han people, who kept pushing constantly their frontier and clearing away the barrier by whatever means. The people, who resisted the influence of Han Civilization, were represented as dirty, uncivilized and cannibalistic in the folk tales of the Han people and this prejudice made it possible that the minority ethnic group people were either massacred or driven into the lonely mountainous area. It is ironical that most of the Chinese people are unanimous that the Chinese people are born to be peace-loving. In Chinese history there are two dynasties whose rulers are not from Han People and they are regarded as intruders and brigands though many of them have been assimilated into the Central tradition. So we can see the Chinese people, consisting mostly of Han Ethnic Group people, are self-centered and overweening though they are not invincible. Since China used to be a superpower in Asia, whose civilization had a significant influence upon such countries as Japan, Korea and Vietnam. It is obvious that China showed a patronizing attitude towards these inferior. China has an interesting version of how the Japanese nation came into being. It is said that the First Emperor of Qin Dynasty, superstitious enough, sent some chaste boys and girls to Japan to fetch some exotic medicine that could bring him immortality. However, they failed to fulfill the mission and had to stay there for fear that the atrocious emperor would execute them for their futile attempt, thus Japan being colonized. Though it is impossible for us to prove the authenticity of the story, yet one thing is clear that the Chinese think that the Japanese are the descendants of the mainland Chinese and according to Confucianism the Japanese should comply with the orders of paternal nation. China used to invade Japan several times but for some reason failed. In the neighborhood of such a large country as China, Japan always feels threatened and gradually becomes paranoid. Japan would send pirates to molest China’s coastal area and seize every opportunity of weakening China to seek a relief of anxiety. In the Sino-Japanese war between 1937 and 1945, China was humiliated and traumatized by Japan’ brutal invasion and imposed colonization. Now China is also a paranoid patient which, with smoldering hatred, regards any anti-Japanese action as boosting national pride and confidence. It is also worth mentioning that Korea is a more paranoid country. When I was in Korea, I was told that the Koreans used to communicate with Chinese characters but anyhow an Ancient Korean official, now regarded as a national hero, invented a Korean language system in case that Korea should be too Chinese. I asked the young Korean people whether it was necessary for this forefather to do that. They told me that they still had to learn Chinese characters: for one thing, nearly all the ancient books were written in Chinese and no Chinese literary will make any academic research hard to carry out, for another; a Chinese proficiency will ensure their better opportunities of employment in the Sino-Korean trade. Finally, in order to be a well-educated person, they had to read classic literature, which they failed to appreciate fully without Chinese literacy.

当你爱上一个直人

He is nothing but a fine man whom I should give everything to ask in hand of marriage, but too early, I pursued this happiness in an abortive attempt, with later that regretfulness would be resolved.

Marriage, it is a term marked with both familiarity and forbiddance in my dictionary, which is too glamorous to imagine, but too vulnerable to practise, even sadly when its complexity involved in another unstable condition, Love.

I failed to exam the dangerous of both before any empirical actions took place, so my failure was destined from the very wrong beginning of diverting, and I watched this fault slashed a pair of joint hearts into pieces scars all way through.

My guilt of collapsing other’s loving dreams deserves me any kinds of executions, and my life is wishfully to be terminated without appealing to keep it continued.

Too sad, but tears rejected to fill the eyes. To curse men with love spells, such evilness was tenderly applied in to my terribly mean way of completing my satisfaction of feeling alive, no wonder why my intention is to destroy but not save.

Too crowded, my heart is to be a cemetery, with emotions, folded, buried and squashed into graves.

思想总结

想总结一下最近看书的心得，
1.我对中国文化的兴趣日益浓厚，非常想用西方的文化理论研究中国文化这一丰富的资源。感觉长期以来，中国人都很少致力于自己文化的批判和继承，而是盲目 的照搬外来的理论模式。我想研究中国文化中的边缘文化，以及这些边缘文化是如何影响我们中华文化的主流的。比如，女性（家庭妇女，妓女，同性恋 （书生，书童），贼寇，鬼怪。。。我想这应该很有意思
理论方面，我还要继续研究lacan和freud，感觉大家读ifreud的误读太多
2,关于同性恋文化，我最近的研究体会是
1。这是一种neurosis，精神病并不是件坏事，凡是和社会主流文化价值冲突，自身不能很好适应的，都可能有精神病，严重程度不一样而以，不过 freud说的同性恋都是偏执狂一说 ，我是越来越相信了，同性恋一直在社会上处于文化的边缘，长期是被压迫和被唾弃的，所以每个不敢吐露自己同性恋身份的人都生怕自己被社会识别，被迫害，长 此以往，潜意识里惧怕别人害自己，从而形成偏执狂，过分敏感，过分在乎别人的看法，过分隐瞒自己的真实想法

2。同性恋是是异性恋的一种变体，同性恋couple就是一种虚拟的异性恋couple。对同性和异性的欲望是同时存在的，前者升华成友谊，后者升华为爱情
straight必须压抑自己的同性恋欲望，才能成为正常人
gay和lesbian存在一种主体和客体混乱的情况，根本上来说还是异性恋关系

比如，当0的gay把自己认同为女性，颠倒了主体，当1的gay把男性伴侣 认同为女性，颠倒了客体

当0的gay是不可治愈的，因为主体的形成在童年时期已经完成，改变主体就 扼杀一个人

当1的gay是可以治愈的，特别是在和女性发生性关系后，而且我参考了很多文献，发现当1的gay
都是那种性欲旺盛，而在童年时期道德教育过于严格，导致对女性存在恐惧的
他们非常迷恋effeminate的男性，通过和他们作爱以证明自己的完美男性


既然同性恋是一种病症，而且是偏执狂，那么同性恋伴侣的关系不可能太长
除非，1， 道德感很强 ，好像不大可能，gay本身就是反道德，很难用异性恋的婚姻法则进行约束
2。双方具备很好的艺术和哲学修养，尤其在创作方面，这样可以很好的升华他们的libido
3。生活在一个同性恋的网络里，有很好的同性恋朋友的支持和监督

写这么多了，我下一步继续研究关于同性恋文化与主流文化的互补性

今天给老师提交了一个同性恋文化报告，写了30页，不过心里很高兴
我把我认识的gay都好好的分析了一番 ，老师很满意，看来通过调搽分析别人可以
很好的升华我的欲望